Starring: Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. (There's a sequel out too, starring Pam and Poison singer Bret Michaels.)

Location: A yacht and the back of van on a freeway.

Lighting effects: The future's so bright, Pam's gotta wear shades.

Direction: We see all the action from Tommy's point of view.

Dialogue: Romantic. "I love you, baby."

"I love you so much."

"You're insanely beautiful" and a loud: "Jesus!" (aptly enough, when Pam's bashing his Bible).

Sex acts: Three.

Description: The action kicks off with Pammy holding up a birthday cake.

You just know she's soon going to be blowing more than the candles.

She grabs the camera and films a naked Tommy Lee sitting on a chair. "Where are we?" she asks him. You're screening across the Internet, Pammy.

"On some big-ass yacht," he replies.

Close up of the tattoo on his chest. It says Mayhem.

The next shot is Tommy, naked, driving the boat.

"You're the best husband on the planet," says Pam, just before he grabs the camera and nearly drives the yacht into a rock.

We see Pam and Tommy swimming naked in the sea - and Tommy's tackle.

It's clear that it's not just his record sales that are big.

Eventually they bonk in the back of their van, as he is suddenly overtaken by lust on the freeway.

It makes sense that this tape was shot on the couple's honeymoon because it's SO romantic.

When Pammy can open her mouth, she's constantly telling Tommy that she loves him.

And he loves her back - or at least he loves her on her back.

Slapper rating: 1 - c'mon, it was her honeymoon!

ABI TITMUSS

Starring: Abi Titmuss, John Leslie, black TV presenter Robyn James and unnamed white girl.

Location: Leslie's West London home.

Lighting effects: Cosy.

Direction: This is a well put-together bonkumentary.

It could almost be a sex segment on This Morning (entitled Last Night).

Dialogue: Leslie is a consummate professional.

He talks constantly: "How's that, Abi? Does that feel good? Tell me what you want. Shall I stop the camera for a minute? What's happening now?"

I kept expecting him to bring in Fern Britton for a quick round-up.

Sex acts: Four. Everything but the (Hell's) Kitchen sink.

Description: The action starts with Abi kneeling beside Leslie.

We hear the TV in the background. (Is he catching up with the news?)

He perks up at the end, grabs her head and mumbles, "Oh that was good."

They cuddle for a minute and just as you're thinking: "This is quite romantic" - bam, Abi is romping with Robyn.

The camera is hand-held by Leslie and it all gets too much and he walks into a wardrobe.

He's OK, though, and back with the questions: "Good Abi?"

She gives him a look. Then she grabs him and - oh dear, he can't focus. (He really can't - it's all blurry.)

Now we're in the sitting room. Abi can't stop chatting. "Can you tell I'm an actress?"

No, but I can tell you're a slapper.

"This is a bit different to my acting classes."

You don't say.

Abi and Robyn tear each other's clothes off as John films in shaky-cam.

And there's also a five-minute shot of Abi snogging another girl in the bath. Soapy -Titmuss, anyone?

Slapper rating: 5

KATIE PRICE aka Jordan

Starring: Katie Price and unseen man (rumoured to be "Great" Dane Bowers).

Location: A messy bedroom.

Lighting effects: The camera light bounces off her headlamps.

Direction: The camera is hand-held. In fact, EVERYTHING is hand-held - sex toys, those boobs ...

Dialogue: Actually quite sweet. "I'll turn the light down a bit", "I don't mind the window open".

You half expect her to stop and say: "Fancy a nice cup of tea?"

Sex acts: Five Rebel forces have invaded Jordan.

Description: Jordan's boobs really deserve a Best Self-Supporting Acts Oscar - or should that be Golden Globes?

They act everything else off the screen. She uses them to full-on effect.

The action starts with a man - probably the Best Grip - telling Jordan the type of shot he would like to see.

(I don't think you see this one mentioned in the cinematographers' handbook).

Cut to the bedroom (needs a tidy) and Jordan, wearing black lace split-crotch panties, lies on the bed, slaps her tummy and says, "Gross, innit?"

Mmm, how erotic. A sex toy appears in shot held by a grim-faced Jordan.

Everything is seen from the man's point of view - the camera pans up to Jordan's face a few times (she looks grumpy and nonplussed).Cut to a new room. We don't see much of it, though, and Jordan delivers a performance that goes down well.

The film ends with a naked Jordan getting a toe job.

All I can say here is - ouch.

Slapper rating: 2

Starring: Paris Hilton and Rick Solomon.

Location: Hotel bedroom and poolside.

Lighting effects: Mainly green night-vision mode.

Direction: Advanced. The stars are constantly aware of the camera, giving each other helpful hints like, "Move your butt."

Dialogue: Typical mixture of female-romantic and male-gruff.

After hours of shagging, Paris asks: "Why didn't you c**e yet, baby?" and is answered with a resounding burp. (Paris, why didn't you leave yet, baby?)

Sex acts: Eight plus. Room servicing 24/7 at the Hilton.

Description: Action begins in a hotel bathroom, where Hilton's filming of herself reveals she's the hairless heiress.

She moves into the bedroom where her boyfriend waits on the bed, taking care of business.

What follows is the most crippling sexual marathon I've ever witnessed, taking Picture: SPLASH
Paris from "ooh" to "ouch" in three hours.

But you don't get extras at the Hilton - his suggestions of sex toy, spanking etc are turned down.

The only thing Paris lunges for is her mobile, which rings at an unfortunate moment.

Hilton, it turns out, isn't a slapper at all.

She constantly asks her boyfriend for reassurance, saying: "Tell me you love me."

Bizarrely, the film cuts to a new hotel room where the boyfriend suddenly has dark hair.

Did I miss something?

Paris then gives us an Eiffel as she pleasures her fella.

Slapper rating: 0