Your Dumped

His Name
His house No, & Street
His town
His County
His postcode

Dear ____ ______,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. Come on, you know the terms of the restraining order, you can’t contact me again

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition. (Check all those that apply)...

# Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

Uh, okay, but don’t worry, you were never a candidate to get it – ever hear of CASUAL sex??

# Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

Yet oddly (if the toilet wall is anything to go by) loads of guys have yelled yours – ONCE and only once, anyway

# The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

Hey, that was the only thing you ever did that left my pants tighter

# You failed the 2 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 2 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

Er, maybe if you HAD a life ~ of some sort?

# Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

It was my lawyer, saying respect the restraining order!

# Your legs are skinnier than mine.

EVERYONE’S legs are skinnier than yours!

# You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly in the playground, You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

And they say you can’t make your mind up!

# I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

Maybe if you had a decent job, and could afford a new car…or breakdown cover?

# The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

Yeh, key-word MY apartment

# The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

Then stop bloody saying it…….

# You still live with your parents.

No, I’m just hiding my address, as you are a bunny boiler

# Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

They are fancy dress, but I hired them in the hope you get the point – GOODBYE !!

# Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

I said, ONCE, my ex-girlfriend could always achieve orgasm, you can’t – could the problem be you, I mean, I’m not the one shouting I love you DADDY during sex?

# Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

Hey, you do the cooking!

# Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

I guess that’s the only way you’d EVER increase my inches!

# I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Okay…………..Got a periscope?

Sincerely,