Know Your Internet Handles

At least, that’s probably how it got the name. I couldn’t find anything making any more sense when I tried to look it up in my Children’s Book of World Knowledge. There was just a lot of stuff about recognising any “bad touching” from mom’s new boyfriend, and why you shouldn’t talk to strange priests no matter where they tell you Jesus wants you to stick the empty communion bottles.

Now one thing you may or may not have noticed about the Internet is that most people online assume a pseudo name in order to hide their real identity. This may or may not be because they have really embarrassing names in real life like Nigel Bin Laden or Eugene Suckacock, but one thing that is for sure is that, in recent times, taking an Internet alias, or handle, if you will, has become almost like an entry requirement to logging on to the Internet and the World Wide Web (which is just like the Internet only with 33% extra free or something). I guess it’s a bit like one of those fraternity initiation ceremonies, only without the gay sex.

Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that you simply cannot be respected on the Internet without a cool handle.

But why is this exactly?

Well, there are many reasons for this phenomenon, but in essence, it all comes down to one thing… without a handle, you are simply not “733t”, and if you’re not 733t, then the Internet UN charges you with war crimes or some such.

I like to call it the “733tening” process, and the gradual evolution of the Internet handle from normal (albeit sad) name to 733tness can be seem in the following diagrams.

Please do not draw pubic beards on the cavemen.

The Internet Handle Evolution - Family Tree

In layman’s terms (which are usually full-frontal for fifty bucks) the process can be charted as such…

Various theories have been put forward to explain the emergence of the 733tening process. One possible explanation is that a 733ter name makes you look more like you know things about computers, and as everyone knows, the more you know about computers, the more girls want to sleep with you and suck your huge e-penis… which is impossible, so they’ll have to suck your real penis instead, which should suit you even better.

Of course, another benefit of handles is that when you grow up and become a famous writer/rock-star/serial killer/whatever, no one will know that the hate-speech you wrote on the Internet when you were 15 was you. It’s the perfect crime. Just like Watergate.

In fact, the whole idea is so great that I just can’t understand why we don’t just use these handles in the real world? As soon as the stupid Windows shutdown wav sounds, uNkL3-NuK3-p4nTz suddenly reverts back to unpopular, acne-clad 16 year old, Michael Jones, and that, to me, is confusing. Surely it would be better to stick with the handle? No one is going to mess with someone who signs his name as something like “Dr MeNTalKiLLShack”, for a start, even if they are only four-foot tall and near blind from over masturbation. After all, that baggy Intel Inside t-shirt could be hiding all kinds of nasty weapons, and who knows what kind of distorted plans about ballistic missile systems lurk behind those thick nerdy glasses.

Yours faithfully, Dr MeNTalKiLLShack

I guess it’s just one of the great mysteries of the world. Like the Bermuda Triangle and how medieval women managed to live without diet cola.

Choosing your Handle

Ok, so you know you need a 733t new handle, but how do you tell if you are a sL4y3Rz, dEathQU33n or p0iSoN-r4t-aN4l-L0vE-B3ast?

Here are a few tips on choosing that right name for you…

1. It has to be something manly and awe-inspiring. Even if you are the Internet equivalent of Elton John’s bitch. Think violence, and think big. Rosie O’Donnell big.

2. Always capitalise random letters in the handle so as people think your Caps Lock key is stuck. Or you have learning difficulties. Or both. Or you’re just a prick. Or all three.

3. It should be all one word, even if it isn’t just one word. Confused? Consider the handle SirD0nGleK0nG. In that example, three words have merged to become one and that makes it 733t and adds three inches to your ePenis. It also confirms to everyone that you have a deep illness of the head.

4. The path to obtain spiritual 733tness calls for certain letter to be replaced by certain numbers. For example, an “a” becomes a “4” and a “z” becomes “Beverly Hills 90210” or something. The origins of this requirement are unknown, but it is probably something to do with glue sniffing, or someone got their Num Lock key stuck after enjoying the darker side of the Internet a little too close to their keyboard.

5. Most importantly of all, don’t include any of your real name in your handle. If, for example, your name is Jeremiah, don’t make your handle “t0x1c_JeRem14h” or anything that has even the slightest hint towards your stupid real name. There is no point in a handle if people know it is you. The whole point is to hide who you are in real life, because in real life you suck worse than a telemarketer who’s inhaled one of the shitty vacuum cleaners they’re trying to sell.

Finally, if you still don’t understand the whole Internet handle thing, you should call the police immediately and tell them you are of Middle-Eastern origin. A few years in Guantanamo Bay should sort you out nicely.